Kathy's Miracle

Over the past few weeks, I have been thinking about how thankful I am to be a mom.  How thankful I am to have these little ones to look after.  I love being a mom to them.  But it has also been really hard lately.  Sicknesses, two year old screaming and being difficult daily, kids tantrums, up in the night with them, etc. I have had many days that I put my head in my hands and just sigh. 

 I have been following this website of this mom who is exactly my age.  She has been diagnosed with an aggressive form of cancer that will take her any day. She grew up with some of my friends from Centerville.  Kathy is thankful for any day she still gets to live.  She would give anything to be able to raise her 5 children and be with her husband one day more.  I just cry when I even think about leaving my family and cannot imagine what she is going through.

 I have been so deeply touched by her story, her faith and her testimony.  It is a constant reminder to me to hug my kids a little tighter each day and to try to let the small things roll off me. 

Life is just so fragile. I don't want to let mine just pass me by worrying about the hard days. They won't last! 

**Kathy has a song on I-tunes that Sara McLaughlin herself put out that Kathy recorded.  Look it up!  All the proceeds from this song go directly to Kathy's fund.  

My dad's funeral

It's a crazy life. Crazy, I say! 

I got a call on Sept 25th that my dad had passed away. He had died in his sleep from complications of diabetes. I was shocked. Totally shocked. When my mom told me to sit down, I thought it was my dad's DAD...who is 102. Not him.

I had a flood of emotions. I cried and then I stopped. I haven't seen him for almost 10 years.

There isn't enough space in this blog for me to tell you my whole history. Nor do you really care, but let's just say it's a really rough past for me and my family...and especially my dad.

Basically, my parent's got divorced when I was 12. It was an awful time of my life--for many years before and after. My little brother who is 8 years younger,, than me was forced to do visitation and saw and went through a lot. I, on the other hand refused. I was afraid of him and never had a good relationship with him. It was actually the biggest relief when they finally got divorced.

My dad had so many numberless health and mental problems. He tried some for my older siblings, but the last three of us got his very worst. He gave up on up on trying and gave up on us. I seriously have like 3 good memories that involve him. 

I've tucked away my relationship with my father on a really high shelf. I dealt with the pain of all of it a lot of years ago and forgave and moved on. We all had mourned his death a lot of years ago. But, when I received this call that he had passed, this part of my life was taken off the shelf, opened and handed to me. I didn't want to look at it, but I had no choice. I decided after a lot of days of going back and forth that I needed to go home for the funeral. Not necessarily for him, but to be with my family.

My dad had severed relationships with everyone--except his 4th wife Gracie and her family. Gracie called my dad's brother Kent to help with the funeral plans. And because she is Brazilian, and doesn't speak English very well, she handed all the reins to him. So my uncle who also hasn't talked to my dad in many many years planned his funeral. My mom, who was so hurt by him wrote his obituary, and wrote up 4 beautiful pages of memories of him that I will always keep close to my heart.

The funeral went better than I had imagined. It was a funeral for 2 different lives. The people who knew my dad when he was young and those who knew him the last 12 years. My aunt Ann (his sister) spoke-mostly silly childhood memories she could remember, and then Kent spoke. It was from the heart and true to the story. It was painful and honest, wonderful and hard to listen to. He spoke about the good early years and then how my dad entered a "dark" time. My whole family cried. We understood all too well.

My sister sang, "Be Still My Soul" and did pretty well until she sang the words,

"When disappointment, grief, and fear are gone,

Sorrow forgot, love's purest joys restored.

Be still, my soul: When change and tears are past,

All safe and blessed we shall meet at last"

She could no longer sing. It was also very emotional. 

My brother Shawn said the family prayer prior to the funeral, I said the closing prayer, and my brother Jeff dedicated the grave. My brother's Jeff and Devan (my youngest brother) saw and spoke to him one year ago, but nobody close to me had contact with him.  Shawn actually wrote a poem about my dad's life.  It's worth the read.  It's hard for me to get through without tearing up.

Gracie (my dad's 4th wife) was very kind. She shook my hand, called me by name and told me my dad loved me very much. (It was kind, but I wondered what he had told her) He was very sick and she took care of him the years they were married, and for that, I am very very grateful. 

It was wonderful to see my family. My sister in Missouri didn't come. It was sad that she didn't come. Really sad. But for the rest of us, it was a bonding time. We all were affected by this divorce in different ways. We talked about the happy and the sad. And now I can put this part of my life back up on the shelf. I don't understand it. I don't understand what will now happen to my dad. Was it all mental and physical illness? Will he get a pass? Or will his agency in this life land him a harsh sentence. I'm so glad I don't have to be the judge. 

He hasn't known me. He knew I got married, but didn't know I have three children and where I live. Will I have his support on earth now? Or will it still be an estranged relationship? 

I don't have the answers. BUT I do know that my Heavenly Father is a HUGE part of my life. He is aware and understands all of this. Totally and completely. He will make this all right. He loves me and wants the best for me. He will sort all these things out, so I don't have to. 

And that is where I have to leave this. I appreciate those who have hugged me, who have called and who have asked. It has meant a lot. It's awkward, I get it, but I wanted to say thanks.

I forgot how to blog...

For a while now, I've been wanting to write things down.  Funny things, happy things, our new experiences, our triumphs and our heartaches.  I just need a place to put it all! Then I remembered my blog.  I was once so loyal.  My thoughts were all in once place.  I have to admit when I sat down to try to figure this out again, I had totally forgotten what my web address even was!  haha.

I'm here to try this out again.  We've moved.  Life has certainly changed a lot in the last years since I have written.  But I love to write and tell you how I feel.  And even if this isn't for anyone but me, well...it will still be worth it.  I really should print it out.

That was a long intro! 

Let's catch up.  Since the last post we added baby #3.  Alyssa Mae.  She is so fun.  She makes us laugh daily.  She talks a lot and loves her brothers.  She has also given us a run for our money.  I didn't know what to expect having a little girl.  I think she is like me (help!) and I also think she was blessed with an extra dose of spunk and crazy (help!)  and she is 2.  Almost weekly here in Cincinnati, we'll be out in public and she'll reach her end point, scream, throw a tantrum and then they say something or just stare.  The comments have lost their glory, but I know it won't last, so I'll just keep smiling.  

Also, since my last post we bought a house and Mark and his Dad remodeled it.  I'll post pictures soon.  It was a great experience and we were happy with how it all turned out.  

And in May of this year, we got a call from a guy that worked very briefly many years ago.  They had kept in contact through franchise conferences, etc.  This guy called Mark and wanted to meet with him to see if it could be a good fit. It sounded like an interesting job and offer, so Mark flew to Cincinnati to interview and check it out.  Mark had been at Harris Research for roughly 10 years.  I worked there with him when we were first married.  It was a great place to work in Cache Valley.  I could tell though that Mark was itching to do something different and move on, but I resisted the thought majorly. 

When we talked about this change and upcoming interview, I had this crazy thought that kept coming that this was our next step in life and that everything was going to be okay.  He interviewed, really liked it, felt great about it and flew home. This started a crazy roller coaster process for me. We prayed our guts out.  We went to the LDS temple and prayed, we fasted, and again did this all over and over.  I knew what the answer was, but wasn't going to accept it.  Then I got really nervous, confused and upset about this.  WE HAD JUST FINISHED REMODELING OUR HOUSE.  Why would we leave that?!  We had some amazing friends in our ward and in the valley that we loved, our family was close, we LOVE Logan!  The camping, horse riding, snowmobiling, hiking, etc. Why would we leave everything we loved????  We just couldn't make sense of it.  Mark talked to his boss, the upper boss and so on.  They offered him more and a better position, but now it wasn't feeling right.  Why was this happening to us!? (Trust me this is a good problem to have, but it was really crazy for us to navigate through)  This was such a blessing, so why couldn't we stay?!  

Then we made the decision to go.  And we felt peace.  We felt a sense of joy that Heavenly Father had our best interest at heart and that we needed to do this together.  And that no matter what it was all going to work out.

I'm so glad we did.  It has been a really interesting experience so far.  We have been here almost 2 months and it gets better every day.  We still miss home.  We miss our family and friends so incredibly much.  We miss Utah.  BUT we love it here.  I have felt over and over again a sense of joy that Heavenly Father is blessing us for doing what He wanted us to do.  I'm trying to do this really hard thing the best that I can.  I'm learning a TON about myself.  I'm trying to better myself and I'm trying to be a better wife and mom to these little ones.  It's dang hard some days.  But this is what I want.  This is what it's all about right?  

These are our family pics taken August 2014-Two weeks before we packed up and moved...Thanks Cali!

We've almost made it!

It's so hard for me to believe that today is May 31st! I have watched my calendar for June 1st to come for almost 10 months now.  Crazy how slow time can go when you are wanting it to go fast.

We will be induced tomorrow to have a baby girl.  I can still hardly wrap my mind around it.  I am really excited, nervous and ready.  This pregnancy has been quite strange.  My OCD flared up and made it seem like this wasn't going to happen.  I have worried just about non-stop about all the "what if's" of it all and have been so nervous that something was wrong with me or the baby, or something terrible would happen to me or the baby.  So, I'm really happy to be at this point.  The worries will hopefully lessen tomorrow when it all happens.

I am so excited to have a baby girl.  I already feel so bonded to her.  I can't wait to meet her and love on her. I'm excited that she has 2 older brothers that will protect her and love her and I am especially excited to see how Mark loves her.  He is really excited.  3 feels like a lot!  I am still trying to process being out-numbered by our kids.  I love it.  I am so grateful that we can have children and that Heavenly Father has blessed us so abundantly.

Let tomorrow come! We are ready!!

Getting back into it...

I have been terrible about posting on this blog.  I don't know if anyone actually reads it, so I haven't wanted to spend the time on it.  And I am behind...like way behind.  I am ready to start up again--some I will catch up on and some I won't and that's just going to have to work :)

I started blogging a LONG old time ago! I started before Caden was born.  It started out as a place to write-all the good and bad times and just get my thoughts down.  As blogs progressed and became more popular, I've felt like it's turned something that isn't reality.  Some blogs I read-totally discouraged me. It seemed like some people's lives were all glamorous all the time and they weren't very real.  So I just gave up on it all together.  I want to get back to the roots of why I started this in the first place.

I am a simple girl, mother, wife, sister, daughter and friend.  I love people, love life and like learning new things.  That's where this all began.  I'm just going to put it all out there what this blog is intended for -the up's and down's, happy and sad times-and that is good enough for me (and I hope for you too!) :)

Bailey Fam Pics July 2011

The whole fam

 The siblings and mom

Best sisters in the world...

Races 2011 Edition

I love to run races-it's true! They give me something to work towards, train for and set goals for.  You'd think after all I'd done this last 4 months-I'd be super skinny, but alas, it hasn't happened.

In May, I ran the Smithfield 10K with my friend Mandy.  It was fun and a good starter for the season.  We didn't take any pictures darnit!  It was a good first race of the season.  Not my best time by any means, but I ran and finished!

In June, on the 17th and 18th, I did Ragnar again.  It was so awesome this year! Last year, I was nursing and had a 7 month old-so I wasn't in the best shape ever.  This year, I felt ready and had a great team..  We got up early 4:15 AM! yuck! and met up at the starting line up at USU. It was FRIGID cold and we hurried and got the van all pimped out and ready.

 Getting mighty nervous!

 Running in the frigid morning! Can't beat the scenery!

 Dang we are hot!

 Like our tan lines?  thanks Mandy!

Some members of our See Spot Run team

 Aren't they cute?!

 Our awesome van!

During Ragnar you run 3 times during a two day period with 12 people, 6 in each van.  This picture above was the end of my 2nd leg.  My third leg started at approx. 4 am!  I cannot tell you how much I loved this run.  It was nearly 9 miles and it was STRAIGHT up a canyon.  I started out with my ipod on low battery and half way up-it totally died.  I was nervous about how I was going to finish it all without it.  I took it off and then concentrated on my breathing, the birds chirping, listening to the river beside me.  And with every breath I took, I felt stronger and stronger.  At the top of the mtn. I turned around and saw how far  I had climbed and totally got teary!  I had done this...yes, I had conquered this mountain.  Ragnar was awesome!! I feel lucky that Mark's work is so healthy minded.  I hope to do it again next year.

 Free back popping? Don't mind if I do!

We finished!!!

I ran a couple more 5k's in July and then went to register for the Top of Utah 1/2 marathon and it was FULL. I was so bummed out.  I quickly got on Facebook and got the word out that I'd love to take a spot if someone didn't want to do it anymore.  Luckily, I found someone quick and got training. 

Bryan, Cali and I after the race. 

What a little cutie!

The last race I ran for the summer was a Mud Run.  It was crazy! 

What fun! I'm feeling sad that fall has now arrived in full force in Logan.  We had a great summer.  More posts to come so I can get all caught up!